Navigating Grief During the Holidays After Child Loss
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- Jan 1
- 8 min read
Written by Abbie Dalbec, RN, BSN, Freelance Nurse Writer, articlesbyabbie@gmail.com
When we think about navigating the loss of a family member during the holidays, our hearts break. Grief during the holidays touches every corner of our hearts. But how do we cope with the unique grief during the holidays after losing a child? The pain is different—grieving not only a life cut too short, but also all that could have been. How would my child have grown this year? What would they have been into? What toys or clothes would I have bought them? These questions deepen the grief, making it hard to tame.
The Complexities of Grief
Having been a Registered Nurse for 14 years, with 12 of those years currently within the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit, I have seen the devastation that can come from losing a child. I have helped parents navigate the hardest moments of their lives and cried alongside them. This piece was written with the hope of shedding light on the struggles parents (and families) face during the holiday season after losing a child. I had the amazing privilege of getting to interview two families who have had to deal with this circumstance and answer some of the above questions. They gave me a glimpse into their life and how they navigate the holiday season, and what they want others to know during this especially hard time. I’m grateful to be able to share some of their wisdom and insights.
Honoring Lucy
Lucy was just four months old when she passed away on December 14th. Right in the midst of the holiday season. When interviewing her amazing momma, Anna, she said that it isn’t the holiday season itself that is hard, it is the family social events that surround the holiday season, especially since her family is so close knit. Being with family during this time, as Anna puts it, just accentuates the fact that there is an empty spot at the table. On top of that, trying to wrap your head around the fact that you should be doing X, Y, or Z during this “Hallmark” time can amplify that anger that can come surging forth at any given moment.
In Anna’s case, she said she did not find comfort in the familiar. The first Christmas after Lucy had passed was cancelled. It was too hard. This year they are trying a different atmosphere but maintaining some traditions. But, she did want to have a plan to protect herself. She set up clear boundaries with her family and said that she would be coming to Christmas this year with the caveat of driving separately so she would have the ability to leave at any point if it became overwhelming for herself or her partner. There will always be a hurt energy surrounding the holiday season for this family. But the old saying is true – communication is key. If you don’t communicate your expectations and needs, your family won’t know. It’s ok to be selfish, because figuring out how to best support yourself is your way to protect yourself.
Grief is Unique
There isn’t a right way to grieve. Grief can change from day to day, even hour to hour. It can be difficult to walk through this grief with family and friends because there is a battle of loving these people so much, but knowing you will never find a comfortable, perfect way to walk through this. Love is about listening to someone. You don’t have to understand what the grieving parents are going through to understand that this is difficult. But, you may also feel the desire to want to protect your family from the grief because they also had their hearts broken alongside you with the loss. It shifts your family and it will never be the same.
It is important to understand that your network of people will not be able to support you if they can’t deal with their own grief, and it is not your job as the grieving parent to figure that out for them. Barriers will get put up. People love to talk about themselves to somehow try and find a way to relate. It’s a human instinct to want to find connection with others. The problem is, people don’t need to find a solution to this situation. Because this situation can never be solved. Someone could say something wrong, or you might not like the way they said it. People will talk about their children and it becomes triggering.
It can be a confusing time. All your emotions roll into one which then festers into anger, and you don’t know what to do with that anger. Anger towards others is an emotion you will go through, because simply put, people will say the wrong thing and you won’t always have the energy to try and teach them to be better. You don’t want to have to teach the same lesson over and over again. You know that their intentions aren’t bad, but sometimes just knowing that isn’t enough and you would rather just isolate. At the end of every single day the fact remains that things shouldn’t have been this way.
Showing Up with Love
I asked Anna what she wished people knew while navigating the holiday season. She said she read a book titled “Can You Just Sit with Me” and the underlying message is just that. Just sit with me. This is a very sensitive time and people are apt to want to say or do something, anything to try and help. That isn’t helpful. People going through grief don’t know how you can help. They don’t have answers to your questions. You just need people to show up for you, to just be there with you and provide a loving presence. She also said in the very early stages of her grief it was so helpful to have a point person who could delegate and make the decisions. Decision fatigue for a grieving person can be excruciating.
People who have gone through this know the true, devastating heartbreak that overtakes you. The connections you can make with these families is indescribable and important. Faith’s Lodge has been a beacon of hope for Anna and Danny. Here, they are able to gather strategies from other families. At Faith’s Lodge you can reflect and work through the tough tangles of it all. You get support and encouragement. You get to celebrate the memory of your child.
During this holiday season you can acknowledge that you are where you are, but also that you might hope to one day celebrate in a different way. It is ever evolving. Just knowing you can hear twenty different options and all or none of them might be right. It is just fine to keep your expectations low to put one foot in front of the other. When dealing with grief and PTSD your emotional responses and ways of articulating can get blurry. You are processing all day, every day. Losing a child is “totally inhospitable to human life” (“Sixteen Steps” Matlock, S1 E6). Remember to give yourself grace during this time.
Honoring Bennett and Emerson
Skylar and Ali’s story started out by finding out they were having twins at their eight week ultrasound appointment. They had previously suffered two early miscarriages and so it was important for the healthcare team to get the ultrasound early to determine dates. They then began the high risk pregnancy route with numerous appointments after determining that it was a mono-mono twin pregnancy, twin boys to be exact.
At the 19-week anatomy scan appointment, the healthcare team did not detect any heartbeats. The doctor gave Skylar and Ali options on how to proceed, and after discussing it, they decided that going through the delivery process would help them with the grieving process. Being able to hold both the boys and legitimize their lives by being able to see them is what they needed to start their healing process. At delivery it was determined that the twins had passed around 18 weeks due to cord entanglement.
Challenges after Loss
When I asked them about the challenges they face, especially grief during the holidays, the first answer they gave me was clear. You can’t compare your pain to others’. It’s a deeply personal experience, unique to each individual. Because, as they said, it’s all pain. Pain hurts each of us in different ways. The key is to honor the pain that people are experiencing and allow them to express it the way they need to. All pain matters, no matter how or when it presents itself.
Skylar and Ali have found many ways to keep both Bennett and Emerson’s memory alive. Since the boys were born on September 29th, they honor their memory in October during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. They engage in the Global Wave of Light annually on October 15th, where families light a candle to honor the memory of children gone too soon.
As for the grief during the holidays, Ali and Skylar have Christmas ornaments to represent each boy, as well as two small stockings that they hang up. As parents to two other boys (Ansel who was almost two when the boys passed, and Riley who was born after the twin boys) they talk about the boys’ brothers in a way that brings comfort to the family. Skylar and Ali also have this amazing tradition to pick out two gifts from the tree at church that would represent the age that Bennett and Emerson would be at currently to donate during the holiday season, and the boys look forward to doing this every year.
As Time Goes On
“We are in a club we never wanted to be in”, Skylar shared. But, through their loss they were able to lean on their faith to bravely share their story. This has led them to open many conversations with others who are going through the same. One key lesson they’ve learned is the importance of allowing themselves and others to hurt and be upset for as long as needed. You can heal, but it can still hurt.
As human beings, we are not meant to do the hard things alone. Having a community of people who have gone through similar things were especially helpful to them. They found this community at Faith’s Lodge. Here, they found others who had gone through these waters and helped them navigate it. They found a safe space to shift conversations back to their children’s loss. Their group got it, they knew what they were going through, and they were there with them through it. Both Skylar and Ali advise to put in the effort to find those connections.
Every family will figure out what works best for them. It is going to be hard because you develop hopes and dreams for what your future could have looked like. That all gets threatened and washed away. It becomes an ocean of grief with an unknown depth. However, through your life preservers of family, friends, community (and more) you can be kept from drowning. Skylar and Ali emphasized the importance of knowing how to respond without becoming overly controlling of your life. Core values can help you make those decisions, as well as many discussions between you and your partner to help support and back up each other by speaking it out loud. This will help you to prepare to the best of your abilities.
Some people may want reminders daily in their family homes to make it a part of your rhythm. Others may want a box of momentos that they are able to take down and look at when they need to. The scar will always be there, but it can be sanded down. You will develop coping mechanisms to help navigate difficult times. Create a strong team and find meaningful connections. Choosing to be hopeful is a powerful thing. You don’t need to fear losing your child’s memory, as they will always be a part of you. Just remember to find a way forward that is healthy for you.
References and Resources:
Can You Just Sit with Me? Healthy Grieving for the Losses of Life by Natasha Smith
According to Texas Children’s, “Monoamniotic twins are identical twins that share an amniotic sac, the fluid-filled sac that holds the baby during pregnancy (also known as the “bag of waters”). Normally, identical twins each have their own amniotic sac. Twins that share both an amniotic sac and a placenta face increased risks compared to other twin pregnancies, with the potential for severe complications – including umbilical cord entanglement or compression – that can threaten the survival of one or both babies. These uncommon pregnancies are estimated to occur in only 1 percent of identical twin pregnancies.”
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